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Ten things I might do simply because I’m an author

22 Nov

1.) I stare. I stare too long to the point people get uncomfortable and/or they think I’m coming on to them. I’m not coming on to you, I just stare. I stare. I think of world problems. Then I write books about them.

2.) If I know you in real life there’s a good chance I’ve already plotted how to ruin your life. Not because I’m a bad person. Not because I want your life to be ruined. But because I ruin character’s lives for a living. Just remember. I know how.

3.) I cry at allegories because they’re so good. Probably no explanation for that one, it’s just weird.

4.) I assume I have the ability to delete people. Like, you there, sir, annoying person? I don’t like you. I delete you. From reality. It has yet to work.

5.) I think I have the ability to rewrite everything. If I don’t like a real life scene, I’m thinking backspace, for sure. When I tell everyone to stop and start over again, people look at me strangely. I just yell, bend to my will!

6.) Point of views are living, breathing things that have feelings and I must consider them all. I usually understand them, then I see the other side and I agree even though I don’t want to. I don’t like it. It just makes me the person who can’t pick a side. A constant stander on the fence. Who just stands on fences all day? Not even cowboys. Get it, because they mend fences?

7.) I tell jokes that aren’t funny because I think they’re clever. Then no one laughs.

8.) I’m a user. I use everyone for material, even if I don’t mean to. Even the guy who asked me if I could look in his ear to see if it was infected—no I’m not a doctor. No, I didn’t look. This showed up in a story and if that can, anything can. You’ve been warned.

9.) Sometimes I imagine how a conversation will go and where I want it to end. Then I do my best to chart the course to get there. Like a pirate.

10.) Sometimes I really think I’m a pirate. Or a vampire. Or a kick-ass spy. Anything much, much cooler than I am because when your characters are eighty times cooler than you, why wouldn’t you want to be them?

And lastly, here’s an extra one.

11.) Because of all these things, and being an author, I almost feel like I need to warn people about me. Like hey, I do these things. These very bad things. I’ve been a bad girl… But then people will think I’m coming on to them again.

This person sounds terrifying. You probably don’t want to be that girl’s friend.

She stares. She cries. She knows.

But you can’t say she didn’t warn.

She also promotes cool things motivated by self-interest. And contests. Look at this amazing map Kat Latham created:

Join in the fun!

Kinley Baker/Kinley Cade