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The problem with high heels and zombies

1 May

I don’t even know how to start this post. It’s that ridiculous. But I also feel I must share this information because it literally changes how I live my life, and that just makes it ten times more ridiculous.

In the mornings, my shoe routine goes something like this:

Maybe I should wear high heels today. That would be a nice and professional choice for my job that encourages nice and professional attire.

Then my mind wanders over to zombies. Thanks to my husband and The Walking Dead, everything always goes back to zombies.

I’m thinking… If I’m at work and zombies attack downtown, high heels would put me at a severe disadvantage.

First Position, Dancing, Shoes, High Heels, Ballet Flats, Romance Author, Kinley Baker

Prime Zombie Fighting Shoes

First of all, people run slower in high heels as a rule. I also run slower in high heels because I can barely even manage the walking.

So in the event of an attack, I’m probably going down first because I will probably be the slowest runner.

You might be thinking, just take your shoes off. But this is where my imagination goes off the deep end. You can’t take your shoes off because then your feet will get scratched/cut on the pavement, and you will step in zombie blood, which is pretty much like getting bitten if we’re keeping our world building consistent.

So now not only does wearing high heels put me at a speed disadvantage, but if I take my shoes off to run away, I’m pretty much asking to become a zombie.

Every morning I think I should wear high heels.

Every morning I go through all the reasons why high heels would be a poor choice in the event of a zombie invasion.

Every morning I end up wearing flats. And since I wear my flats so often, they now have holes in the bottom and in the event of a zombie invasion, well, etc.

And yes, it does take me a long time to get ready in the morning. Not because I care at all for fashion. But because I should probably wear the black tank top because that would hide the zombie blood and the darker pants because they will hide the stains, and well, etc.

Getting ready in the morning is really exhausting. By the time I recover, it’s the next morning, and well, etc.

-Kinley Baker

The absolutely crucial question everyone should ask their life partner about the apocalypse before commitment

20 Feb

My husband and I have been together for seven years. Up until this point in our relationship, I thought we pretty much knew our opinions on all the importance issues.

Then he disclosed the one thing I never thought to ask. The one thing I didn’t realize could divide us on a level I never previously comprehended.

The revelation?

My husband is PRO Zombie Apocalypse.

*everyone gasps*

I KNOW. I just… can’t even…

How did this all come about? It began innocently enough with him deciding to watch The Walking Dead. A few weeks ago, we started from the beginning and caught up within one weekend.

EXCELLENT SHOW.

There were just a few problems.

I am paranoid about zombies like nobody’s business.

The show was fascinating!

BUT.

I had zombie nightmares… I dreamed about the characters… I peered out my window into my cul-de-sac, waiting for the inevitable herd invasion.

trees, Kinley Baker, Romance Author, Zombie Apocalypse, Zombies

If you stare long enough, you’ll see the herd…
ACK.
I was kidding, but I freaked myself out.

To comprehend the full extent of my freak out, you’d probably have to read this post on Slaying the Worry Dragon. Apply all that to this.

Please, zombies. Take anyone else. Just PLEASE, not Earth. *holds out sword and swings with the worst aim ever*

With the new weekend approaching, I thought we could move onto something less everybody dies like Downton Abbey. I even said I think I’ll choose not to watch the upcoming shows of The Walking Dead because I just can’t handle zombies.

I’m sorry, EVERYONE. But I hate zombies with a fiery passion inside my soul. I am 100% convinced that not only is it possible to become a zombie, but that we will, in fact, have this happen during my lifetime.

I hate zombies. I’M SORRY.

I LOVE the show. I ABHOR the zombies.

Then what will be described as the largest struggle of our relationship occurred.

He started re-watching the show. AND it gets worse.

We were in the car one morning when we had this conversation.

I couldn’t comprehend his words. “What are you thinking… re-watching?!”

Then…

*pauses for dramatic effect* But also… *pauses to regain normal breathing*

He made the confession that will send shockwaves through our commitment for the rest of our days.

He said: HE WANTS TO LIVE IN THE WALKING DEAD WORLD.

!*#&$*@(!!&$(@*&$*(#!@&$*(#!!@&(#@!$*

WHAAAT?!?!?!

You want to: WHAAAT?!?!?!

I just…

Does he even know what he’s saying? To the girl who HATES zombies?

I can see now where it all went wrong. I made the simple mistake that many of you have probably also made.

I didn’t ask my husband if he was PRO or CON Zombie Apocalypse before we were married.

This will be a subject that will divide us FOREVER.

!&%!!$*(&#(^!%*(#$&(!

So please, do yourself a favor. Ask your significant other their stance on this important issue. This is more important to discern your opinions on pre-commitment than POLITICS, RELIGION, AND CAFFEINE.

You’re both either PRO Apocalypse or you’re destined to travel into the end of the world divided.

And what has The Walking Dead taught us? A divided team is herd bait. A divided section of the team gets killed off. A divided team is ripe for the plucking by the very zombies that drove them apart.

Don’t be a zombie statistic. Talk to your friends and loved ones about this very important threat.

How am I handling all this?

(You might be asking.)

Not well. Not well at all.

My husband actually said he thought living in that world would be fun. FUN.

Then I got to thinking and maybe I really would live better in a world that was survival of the fittest to an impossible degree. I wouldn’t have to worry about all the mundane things I worry about every dang day.

I would just fight to stay alive. So maybe I’m growing from this whole experience. Or at least, I think I am, until he puts the show on again and I have to see more ZOMBIES.

*shivers*

Have you seen The Walking Dead? Do you like it? I’m really a fan of the show. Some of the character exploration makes me gleeful, it’s so interesting.

I just wish they would have chosen a Vampire Apocalypse, or maybe anything… ANYTHING else (I realize it really couldn’t have been anything else).

I told someone the truth recently. You should have seen their expression.

“I LOVE The Walking Dead. I just don’t watch the zombie part.”

LOL. Yeah. Your face is what his face looked like.

Do you have something that everybody else LOVES that creeps you the heck out? Zombies have always been the thing I just CAN’T. I like the show.

*holds up hands and backs away slowly*

Easy, Walking Dead fans. I love your show. Honest.

*speaks in soothing tones*

Alright, alright! Stop yelling!

(Careful, your zombie is showing.)

Kinley Baker (@kinleybaker)